A new beginning

As I sit and think about the events in Connecticut on Friday, I am thankful to be able to hold my baby in my arms as I remember that there are others who will never see or hold their loved ones again in this physical world. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those who struggle with the overwhelming loss. I hope that they may find peace someday. 

 I am now almost 4 months into my new life and I still feel lost. I am wandering and in search of my true self. All of my previous  hopes and dreams have disappeared only to make room for new ones. I am ambitious, determined and hard working. Only, right now, I don't feel like being any of those things. I am, frankly, tired of working so damn hard at everything. I know that I must make things harder for myself. Life can't truly be this difficult, can it? For now, I just keep going. Trying to keep my head above water. Truly thankful for the opportunities I have been given and blessed to have the support and guidance of my loved ones. The Dixie Chicks say it best when they sang "Taking the long way home". It is the background music in my life.

For months, I had no desire to do anything but fester in my thoughts and emotions. I have found peace in keeping my hands busy and creating things from nothing. Thank you to all of those that create such beautiful designs and share with the rest of us. If it weren't for your patterns, my hands would not be so busy. I will be sure to post pictures of the finished products with a link to the designer's pages at a later time.

I bid you farewell.....

That moment when a part of you dies. When the ground beneath you literally crumbles to pieces. The world around you just falls apart. Your future, your dreams, your family, your security....all gone. To anyone else who has been through this, is going through this, or will one day face this, I am talking about the end of my marriage. In the last week I have been thrown more my direction then I ever thought I could possibly handle. You look at the person you have loved and shared a life with for the last eight years and begin to wonder where it all went so wrong. He has found someone else to fill the empty space in him that I just could not fill. It's so hard to feel what I want to feel when I look into his eyes and I know in my heart I still love him and I always will. The feelings rush through you like a wave of emotions. Never in my life have I felt so many emotions at once. Death signifies closure, finality, and ending of life. Divorce has no finality when there are children involved. The only ending of life is life as you know it. I know that I have the strength to get through this and I know that one day I will be alright, and yet, this just saddens me. I just want to scream. I want to bury myself beneath the ground and wait for Spring to emerge new and ready for life.

A moment in time....

       It has been too long since my last post and this can only be explained by my complete and utter lack of motivation to write about myself. However, as it pleases my one follower, "Hi Sean", I have decided to pick it up again.
       Once again, as the end is near, now is the time for that inevitable reflection of the past 12 months. This year has been marked by sadness and unaccomplished goals. A dear friend's dad, along with my uncle were fighting a losing battle, and lost. Another friend's mom just begun the battle and has since been kicking it's ass. Stay strong, LS, we are all cheering for your victory.We all deal with death and grief in our own ways and sometimes, it can be constructive, other times, destructive. All we can do it be supportive and love each other and hope for the best outcome.
       It has also been a wonderfully rewarding time full of many new discoveries in my 21 month old's life. In the short span of 12 months, she has mastered walking, running, jumping, spinning and dancing. Her first little sentence of  "I see you!" warms my heart and brings me great happiness. She makes me laugh every single day and I am thankful for every second she is in my life. That being said, she is also the reason that there are about 20 unfinished projects literally strung all throughout my house.
         As far as my crocheting, I am happy to have accomplished so much thus far. When I think of the extent of my talent before having a child, compared to now, I am completely amazed. I have gone from to beginner, to advanced intermediate in a few months. My Etsy career is far from lucrative, but I will be there someday. I work with such a passion (and a committment to stay home with her) and I know that I will be rewarded.
          A subject that has come up many times lately is whether or not a person's emotions can be carried through a non-living object. For example: I believe that my love and dedication to my family can be felt in my work as a warm and healing energy. Just as a thought or a prayer can be "heard" from afar. For each object, I can imagine the recipient and the happiness that it may bring. I develop such an attachment that I feel like my work must be a tiny part of me that I am letting out into the world as you would a balloon at a ceremony. Every stitch is like a letter, and the finished product the book of my life. Isn't it a wonderful feeling to be given something that was made by the hands of another rather than a nameless, machine or factory? I could make a thousand of the exact same thing and no two would ever be the same. Just as no two people are the same. Think about this next time you are at the store or in the market to purchase new things. Perhaps supporting each other is a much better decision.

Art extends each man's short time on earth by carrying from man to man the whole complexity of other men's lifelong experience, with all its burdens, colors and flavor.  -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Hello there...

   It's been quite some time since my last post and I blame that partially on my poor internet connection and partially on my own laziness. I do find that it is difficult to sit and think for a second, let alone type up my blog while I am chasing a speedster crawler all around the house. Those busy little hands are fast as lightning and as destructive as a tsunami.
   She will be 11 months next week and has hit a major milestone in the last few days. I am the proud mama of a little walking girl. While it is exciting, it is also bittersweet as we near the official title of "toddler". I know that everyone says this, but "I can't believe time has gone so fast!". I feel like it was just yesterday that I was packing for our big move and waiting for our little one to do anything besides spit up and poop her pants. The day before that she was kicking me in the ribs.

   I have also hit a creative spark lately while crocheting a gift for a little friend. I have delved into making dolls and toys and am excited to see where this will take me. As mentioned before, working with various crochet hooks, small parts, needles and yarn can be quite a challenge. It does not take long for a tight skein of yarn to become a tangled pile strung from my bedroom, to the living room, to the kitchen and everywhere in between. Because of this, it is a slow process, but that's all part of the fun I guess. If I can make my hobbies a financial success, then it buys me more time to see her destroy the place, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, I'd have to pay someone else for the damages.

Ava Doll

Sorry she's sideways....still working on uploading photos from my phone and it's not the easiest thing :)

Is it January yet?

 Inspiration


 What a struggle this has been lately. We are still trying to get caught up from the move, adjust to our new schedules, tend to a sick little one and maintain some sort of order. I have had busy hands trying to whip out my crochet gifts of two blankets, a shrug and multiple hats. At least it is something to keep my mind off of other stresses. My new blanket I'm working on is turning out really nice. I wasn't sure of the colors at first because I thought they may be a little too funky, but it is actually just the right amount of funk. The other blanket that I have been working on for a little while is affectionately titled 'Pile of Fall'. I have not yet come up with a name for the new one. In between projects, we have snuck out for some X-mas activities. We went to the Festival of Trees here benefiting the Children's Hospital and saw some really amazing displays.

 

 Pile of Leaves

Update: I was unable to complete the blankets, but came really close. I presented the unfinished projects and while I had to take them back, both recipients were very thrilled. It is now Feb and I am embarrassed to say that I put them away after Christmas, and have yet to tie up the ends on one and finish the other. Perhaps another day.....
The hats remain unfinished, however, the shawl was complete. Like I said, tough month. :(

Black Friday

Been a few days since my last post and I am happy to see that I have a loyal follower!
I spoke to my brother a few days ago after not hearing from him for several months. My heart is full of joy after getting off the phone with him as he sounded so happy and full of life. I have waited a long time to hear that in his voice. I only wish that we could spend these moments together. Best of luck Chris and I love you so much!! I'm always here.
Had a wonderful Thanksgiving and several "crafternoons" full of energy and creativity. I made about six pairs of earrings and it felt good to get some of that out. Trying to get around to posting some pictures of the blanket that I am working on and the inspiration behind that so that is still to come. The weather recently went from fall to winter in the matter of a few hours. The mountains are now snow covered and there is still snow on the ground. It has been a chilling temp in the single digits for a few days now. Perfect for looking out the window from the nice warm house.
I think that I may have found an avenue to work for just a few hours a week and make enough to supply my new yarn addiction...or groceries I suppose. As soon as the baby is well and sleeping better, I should have some more time to work on my crafts. It has been a tough year, but I wouldn't change any of it and I still can't believe how fast it has gone by. My little one will be 12 months in 4 short months and it is bittersweet. I wish that I could add a few more months in there, and a few more hours a day while I'm at it.
Looking forward to holiday festivities this year and an actual "White Christmas". Current project is hats for the family. What's the point of cute hair if my ears are frozen?

The most wonderful time of the year....

I had forgotten how much I miss Fall. The colors seem much more vibrant here. Beautiful reds and golds of the turning leaves, and pinks and purples reflected on the mountains. The Great Salt Lake illuminates the sky above with these irridescent shades of blue and turquoise. It is no wonder that I feel most inspired and creative this time of year. I love the way the cold brisk air smells first thing in the morning. The way it feels to be hugged in the warm soft fabrics you wear in the fall, and how there is this certain rush of nature as it prepares for survival through the harsh winter. Maybe that is why it feels so natural to want to spend more time with your family, or even reconnect with special friends. As I watch the family of quail bob around outside my window, it seems the same for humans that we congregate together and eat to fatten up for the coming season. This is also an exciting time to me as right around the corner is the new year. It's like a fresh start, a do-over. A chance to set things right what you spent all year screwing up. I for one, am in desperate need of this new beginning. However, I'm in no rush to speed through the next month and a half as this time of year also brings a time for great refection. An opportunity to see things in new light and appreciate and be grateful for what we have.  I feel especially charitable and helpful, and I want to make a difference in people's lives. I have been thinking of things that I could do for others and for myself. I'm looking into charitable programs through my local craft stores that myself and my family can get involved with. I would love to take handmade toys to the Children's Hospital and see the looks on their sweet little faces. There is so much love that goes into everything I make that I would like to spread it all around like a gigantic blanket. There is plenty of time to start over, but for now I want to enjoy every moment of this beautiful season. That's it for me for now, off to work on some projects before my "baby alarm" goes off. Happy Holidays!!