A new beginning

As I sit and think about the events in Connecticut on Friday, I am thankful to be able to hold my baby in my arms as I remember that there are others who will never see or hold their loved ones again in this physical world. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those who struggle with the overwhelming loss. I hope that they may find peace someday. 

 I am now almost 4 months into my new life and I still feel lost. I am wandering and in search of my true self. All of my previous  hopes and dreams have disappeared only to make room for new ones. I am ambitious, determined and hard working. Only, right now, I don't feel like being any of those things. I am, frankly, tired of working so damn hard at everything. I know that I must make things harder for myself. Life can't truly be this difficult, can it? For now, I just keep going. Trying to keep my head above water. Truly thankful for the opportunities I have been given and blessed to have the support and guidance of my loved ones. The Dixie Chicks say it best when they sang "Taking the long way home". It is the background music in my life.

For months, I had no desire to do anything but fester in my thoughts and emotions. I have found peace in keeping my hands busy and creating things from nothing. Thank you to all of those that create such beautiful designs and share with the rest of us. If it weren't for your patterns, my hands would not be so busy. I will be sure to post pictures of the finished products with a link to the designer's pages at a later time.

I bid you farewell.....

That moment when a part of you dies. When the ground beneath you literally crumbles to pieces. The world around you just falls apart. Your future, your dreams, your family, your security....all gone. To anyone else who has been through this, is going through this, or will one day face this, I am talking about the end of my marriage. In the last week I have been thrown more my direction then I ever thought I could possibly handle. You look at the person you have loved and shared a life with for the last eight years and begin to wonder where it all went so wrong. He has found someone else to fill the empty space in him that I just could not fill. It's so hard to feel what I want to feel when I look into his eyes and I know in my heart I still love him and I always will. The feelings rush through you like a wave of emotions. Never in my life have I felt so many emotions at once. Death signifies closure, finality, and ending of life. Divorce has no finality when there are children involved. The only ending of life is life as you know it. I know that I have the strength to get through this and I know that one day I will be alright, and yet, this just saddens me. I just want to scream. I want to bury myself beneath the ground and wait for Spring to emerge new and ready for life.